Mo-od

20th December 2009.

My holiday job is quite a boring job, actually. Standing there waiting for you-know-who customers. Curse them when they drill the land of cloth and leave with a fart. It was devastating.

I like the girl who works beside me. She is funny and cute. I always thought her cheek is made of rice since she said she like rice a lot. She looks like a boss for me. I mean the way she talks. But that’s it.

The environment never changed, but I can feel the sense of restriction from their workers’ behavior. It feels like my neck is hold by hands, not tight but I still can feel the tension from them.

I still don’t know what’s going on during my 22th birthday, conclusion is no mood. Same wishes and same tone. Some are suspicious about the breakup of my non-existing romance, my hormone level, my illness and da da da…..

I think I hate them. I hate the lock on my neck, it makes me hard to breath. I hate the fact that I am so timid. I have no gut to burst out my emotions, and the fact that I am wrong trusted the person.

I keep rewind the scene in my mind, flashback to the day she tell me who I am, to the day he tried to do what he think is right to do, to the day they betray my trust, to the day which I also don’t know when it started, all sums to one word. Fear. It started to crumble.

I could not imagine what kind of life I am going to live under the fear. One day, I may erupt and kill it. Or one day, I will erupt and kill myself. Then I shall prepare myself with a gun loaded with bullet of craziness. Stop.