my father

recently i use up all my meal plan, now left RM12 only.
then i ask mum to banking some money to me,
then mum say ok.
the next day, ah mei sms me say mum banking rm100 to me.
mum give rm50, dad give rm50, the dad's rm 50 suppose to use to go for a blood test...
dad is quite unwell recently,
before i come back from chinese new year, one night he was having some breathing problem and keep sweating cold sweat...look like getting to stroke...
then, ah mei also didn't tell me all the story, just say one night......
then i call mum, ask her what happen and ask her to take back the money and take father to hospital for body check up.
then mum say, he doesn't want to go.
mum ask me to sms father at night, asking him to take care of himself and go for a blood test.

suddenly i feel like want to cry.
i realize i can't afford to lose my father.
how im going to do without my father is around..
he is my mental support, now i realize..
then im study now, can;t go out and work.
if something happened to him, how we going to do?
i think i need to quit my study and work.
quiting it means i quit it all, my future, my dream....but how im going to do?

im worry bout him, im worry bout everything...
i don't want he got anything bad happened to him..
i haven't be nice to him, haven't xiao4 shun4 him...

and now,,,i haven't start study about my biochemistry test..
my pointer is drop, lousy...
even my friend also can't believe i got this kind of point...

what should i do...
im not in the mtm list already.
means im not related to anything bout mtm anymore..
feel quite sad actually, coz this is the one i want, but seems like im not the one they looking for...
quite angry with myself, disappointed...and disappointed again...

where is my place?
where am i?
where should i put myself?
no where i think.

its over, its all over, and i need to think about father, my father, he is my father.
even he is not that good but still he is my father.
my father.

PAP, UPM, 21 - 23/2/08

last saturday was the PAP stage performance, feel like useless because i didn't give much commitment into it and my job is the least one...sneak out from back stage to watch performance..

i saw him.
in front of the stage, with VIP, as a VIP
silently i watch him from the space between the wall and ping4 feng1.
i guess no one would know what im doing there..
just want to watch him silently..silently..
he is a star. stay on sky where i will never reach.
then, i saw another two star.

a thought come across my mind : why the person i like must has link to mtm? why...
because i like capable guy or just because they are the one i frequently see?
since im not in the list of kem jejak pemimpin kedua, i think it is over already...
quite disappointed firstly, then i realize that i really need to boost my result =.=

then, when back i got a date with my friend on that sunday.
also want to cut my hair, otherwise i'll be botak later lo.
then meet ah keong at bus station, know his latest thing.
never thought that he would ever buy roses for a girl, really shock.
we all are changed....
miss my simple life, really miss it...

then, lost my drive.
to do anything.
whether like a guy or study for my test.

all of them are too high for me to reach, too high, too far and im too small, way too small.

beautiful,
stars are beautiful but unreachable.
back in the day, the simple day,
enjoy the ride, enjoy everything,
can i knocked again and have the feeling or the drive again?

meow....

too greedy

i notice that i like a lot of guys recently.
around 5 person i think. four same course, another is my friend.
however, it is impossible. because the first one is another race, second one is got someone he fancy of, third one is too childish and not serious, the forth one is in a different world and he wouldn't notice & look at me,,,then the last one - my friend, also got someone in his mind.
before these few days, i already give up one. the initial one, right after i confirm it.
among them all, i think i like the first and the forth most. the first one give me a doubt when i already decide to give up. the forth one is i think he got gf already but underground de..
am i too greedy?
i think im too greedy...
way too greedy already...
shame of myself...
cut my hair. quite ok but i think it will be better if i cut at my hometown =.=
been thinking how he will feel when see me in a new hair style?
then....i noticed i like him the most. the most.
damn..why he do like that to me? we are impossible...impossible...
kacau bob while doing HE. keep kacau him.
tell the truth then say im lying. then say the truth again. keep confusing him and them...let no one will ever know which one is the real. bad right? because i knew im going to see them off with the appropriate one someday. someday.
he also flared up but i use "belanja" to put down the fire.
sorry bob.....keep kacau you only....me n jo keep kacau you but you never lament..sorry.....
what i should do?
wait? wait until i make the decision? that i really like him?
sleepy....go out to mines from 10 to 4...then back start my work...then ban ban birthday...then here...
im not going to sleep until i finish all my work!!!!!
but going to take a nap now, hehe~ wish me good luck ok?
Zzz....

the week & me

This is a week after i back college 17 from chinese new year break.

I, currently called as shmily or leng, this is my current profile :

1. 21 years old
2. grown up at tawau, lahad datu (both at sabah - 15 years), then batu pahat, johor and now...college 17, UPM, Serdang, Selangor, Malaysia.
3. sagittarius + fire rabbit
4. UPM, degree of Biomedical Science, first year, second semester
5. currently secretary of Biomedical Science club
6. is a b-rat
7. like to do "work", organize activity, play, join any competition or anything which promise that i'll have fun.
8. like to sleep at ysim's arm
9. now need to lose 5 kg according to TANITA (body composition analyzer)

Last sunday, take the same bus as my friends. Happy ^^ i like them, cause they treat me eat new year biscuit and nuts~!

I've realised that i treat here as my home already...at the moment i saw our house empty because of everyone went home and left me here with bob going to the KPO. Feel like can't separate apart from everything here already.. the fact made me feel sad..cause we are going to back home no matter what we are going to go through for the next 3 years... since when i'm so fond of here until i rather stay here with you all around and not going home...

Kind of sceptical...don't want to do anything, just want to stay beside you all and listen to all our conversation, teasing each other, make some cold jokes and more.. and i'm lefting my rats behind with their own...

zen's word make me can't resist to change myself. trying to make me feel peace and calm. not to be very noisy to other. kind of hurt actually when he say it with the serious face but later i have to admit that what he say it is right. bingo!

what happened to me?

i feel empty.... empty...

the crush with him made me mad with myself, why i can make this kind of mistake...how can i think it is possible where he is a another world...why i do this to me...i'm torturing myself....

this week is a total sien week for me. Not feel to do work, not feel to do activity, not feel like want to do anything, i can't even sleep well (for last night cause i'm the ajk for senamrobik in carnival ideal 17, need to be there at 8am and i don't want to left a bad impression to them).

i need to lose 5 kg. i knew it! 40.7 kg of freee fat body mass! 16 over kilo of fat! 440 of impendence! BMI almost reach obese gred 1, but normal waist-hip ratio...weird..?

i think i lost my confidence after i get my first test results. All are suck. the lowest among chinese. and i had the stupid fever on the exam week, cause me study right before test with headache and the feeling of uncomfortable.

feel tired acutally...

i really tired....

mentally tired...

want to break....

want to throw away everything...

want to sleep, want to rest....

waiting for you, shimily.