Envy

Reading chaa yehh blog, i feel envy..really envy…

Really envy they can go here go there…with all the friends..

Haih,,,,and i only can waiting all my friend come back to BP then can go out lateh lah and other….

Seeing them (those UMS friends) go here go there, enjoy food and enjoy travelling around Sabah, im sooooooo envy!!!

In UPM – universiti perperiksaan malaysia….my life is filled with test, exam, assignment and other unnecessary things…..=.=

Frankly, i am having a kind of phobia…..examphobia….phobia to exam….really no mood to look that those lecture notes….

The night before my physiology of cardiovascular & respiratory system final exam, i encounter my mum about my thought, about my real feeling about my course…i never tell my mum about my study…

Mum told me just finish the degree then later i can continue with some accountant course or other fei fei stuff. However, the problem is i don’t have the zest in anything now…mum told me to fight for the best result…but actually before this, the thing i ever fight is my STPM, cause i scared i can’t enter local U with my lousy result, then my life will be ended by some misery job….scary….

Maybe because i already achieved my goal, and i don’t know what my next goal….so…im been in this idle state…really idle…

Tonight is my IT test and yet, i haven’t touch the lecture note~ pening….

Ellegarden

Last sem when i take the japanese video from Jo, i’ve been can’t take my eyes and ears off Ellegarden…..

Space sonic, red hot~~ and other songs…

One of the reason i like them is the vocalist’s pronouciation on english is correct.

Their genre also quite rock and mostly the lyrics are talking about normal life, hahaha…

I really feel disappointed….hardly find a japanese band that suite my taste..

I love your song lah, ellegarden….!!!!

My mind is keep asking : “ why? why don’t want to continue creating album? why dismiss the band?”

Really disapointed….. and sad as well….

Ellegarden…..4 members….

Bleaching

Im amazed by the anime “Bleach”!

Firstly i want to watch One Piece start from the first episode until the latest – episode 372, but with my 320GB external hard disk, i take the full OP, Bleach, Naruto from Din, bwahahahaha!

Due to the one week period of short holiday at home plus im working at The Store as a promoter, my brother, sisters and me decide to watch Bleach first. However, the impact is very…oh my god !

All of us addicted to it!! We love Ichigo!!

The pic above is Ichigo and the gang, bwahahaha! (middle : Ichigo, the main character).

During my very relax work, i went to all of the DVD shop in summit to find all things regarding “Bleach”. Thus, i made my mind, i want to collect “Bleach”! and i gonna start save my money in order to collect all of them! bwahahaha!

Besides, i do learnt some new skill and knowledge through the job i’ve done in work, know how to identify the true genuine leather, how to know a good quality bag and other. Im really grateful for know Jie Ling (promoter of Crocodile), Wa wa?? – also promoter of Crocodile, Suk fen – my promoter, Chai Han – Carlo Rino promoter and other like Kose promoter and Carlo Rino bag promoter. Futhermore, i get closer with Bee yan now~ since both of us are apart since form 5 in SMKA ^^ love you, bee yan~

Now, im still watching Bleach now, the 109 episode, but it doesn’t feel the same as i watch at home with my siblings….suddenly really miss the feeling of home, a sweet and peace home.

I will have my final exam in 2 weeks, need to do AGM stuff, PAP photograph stuff and other extra stuff, but addiction to Bleach makes me more energetic i think =P

Bleach, i love you!

oh my god...im tagged by hui ying...=.=

1. How old are you?
-20+1

2. Are you single?
-Yeap...

3. In what age do you think you’ll get married?
-i dun think i will get maried

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?
-this person didn't exist.

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
-.......huh?

6. Do you want a garden/beach wedding, or the traditional church wedding?
-beach plus garden

7. Your ideal motif?
-baby

8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?
-my house maybe..?

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite?
-if i decide the invitation, then it will be 60

10. Do you want an extravagant or a simple wedding?
-simple but fun (same like huiying =D)

11. Do you want the traditional vows or something you’d make up on your own?
-i prefer traditional...

12. How many layers of cake do you want to have?
-5

13. Do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or at a simple place?
-simple place

14. When do you want to get married, evening or morning?
-Evening

15. You’d rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?
-whatever

16. Do you like a grand entrance for your groom?
-duno...decide later la~

17. no ques.. jump!

18. Name the song/tune you’d like played at your wedding.
-hehe...country...and soft rock =P

19. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-Night cat

20. Do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?
-light but a bit solemn

21. What age do you want to get married?
-no age

22. Describe your ideal husband.
-a man & love me

23. Do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?
-traditional chinese banquet with normal spoon & fork

24. Champagne or red wine?
-both =)

25. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
-Days after

26. Money or household items?
- huh??

27. Who will pay for the bills?
-share lo...

28. Are you ready for married life?
-not yet

29. Do you think you will still be a virgin until you get married?
-yeap

30. Will you always be true to your wife/husband?
-yup, of course lah!

31. How many kids do you want?
-one or two

hehe....
i tag
Siew
Su peng
Soon peng
Bee yan
Qiao gee
ting ting
carol =P

ridiculous thoughts

its a ridiculous thought.
I want to have a child.
Suddenly, i like the feeling when i hug a child, how long i missed this feeling?
i don't know...since i didn't take school bus and enjoy the wind blow...during period....
Msn with sister, tell her about this feeling, she asked me do i have the calon already?
i don't have the "calon", but i do want a baby....
i think siew will go crazy if i tell her about this....=P
I think once i am economic independent, i will have my baby,
it doesn't matter who is the "calon", since its really doesn't matter at all.
Im really going crazy la......
but i really want to have a baby.
Now, i can understand mum's feeling when she carry me, mum....i love you....

Golden Key - Rumah Amal, Puchong

This is the first time Ban Shui ask me to join an activity.
It is an activity organised by Golden Key International Society. Actually it is a kind of community service where we give tuition to those orphanage.
He say, he realise that he didn't join any activity that he likes. His purpose to join those meaningless activities at college 17 is just for merit. He wasted his time for those college activities, so, he want to join something now.
Its a chance for me to sightseeing what is Golden Key, so i agreed to go with him.

21th of Sept, my dear birthday~

Yesterday was a damn tired day for me. Slept at 4am, then wake up at 9am to go to the Pesta Angpau interview at Astaka Seni. However, i didn't manage to go to interview because of the delayed K17 bus.....=.= I went to another bus and follow my housemates to The Mines. Without taking dinner, i awake until 3am read online novel.

7am : wake up, prepare, bath & take breakfast.
8am - 9am : wait the bus at guard house for one hour.....
9.30am : reach Rumah Amal, Puchong.

I choose my "child", named Hussin, form one. He is a fast-learning boy. His english also very good (better than my little brother ok). The science subject MCQs and SAQs are not a problem for him. After he finished all, he run away lo....
Then, we just sit here, sit there, take pictures, watch those children paint the banner.
I also go to help, but i only manage to paint 3 alphabets.....cause they almost finished it....
chatting, relax, watching children run here run there.
Thinking about adopt a child in future.....

Finally, i put my red handprint on the banner.
I dukung a pretty little girl, really like the feeling when hug her, like hugging my own child.
After kemas and another round of big family potrait pictures, we take our UPM bus come back K17.

Tuesday is haematology accessment 3.
Friday is my balik kampung day =)

Decision

Eventhough my decision will make me lose a lot of thing, but i rather stay alone than look at them. Its still making me feel unease when i look at them even after i solve the knot.

Just now realize my result is going from bad to worse....but i didn't feel anything, either joy if im the top and sad if im the lousiest....im numb...

Made a decision to join a dance class. I've been wandering in front of the door of dance since im form 4. Now, it was in front of my face asking me whether i want to grab it or not. For once in my life, i knew i will miss the chance if im not taking action, thus....im sign up for the modern dance class under senior-Lianne as a conductor.

I know i will be alone when i make any decision but i don't want to take any more consideration for other ppl who are not really care of me. Its my life, i want to live it in my way, in my style, not by other expectation or thought about me....

Mooncake festival is coming...i feel like want to celebrate at my home with my family....with all the mooncake given by relatives and pray ceremony at home. I've been absent of a lot of event in my family since i enter U. I want to show my love to my family before its too late. I want to live as lively as possible so that i wouldn't regret when im old.

Tonight is the Mooncake Festival K17.

1. Location : DKU, FPSK
2. Time : 9pm to 11pm
3. Date : today...12.9.08
4. Ticket......? FREE OF CHARGE! why? because my lovely buddy pay for me^^love her so much! Tiffany also will be going too!

What should i say? i never expect my junior will do something big like this...i think they are more passionate than us to organize activities. This mooncake festival actually is our chinese community activity. Junior making it very big and invite all ppl from FPSK, even medic & vet student are coming, from my observation, our own malay coursemates also buy ticket for it. Over 300 ppl are coming for the event tonight, can't wait to see it with my own eyes =)

My mind is rest assure to pass to them our Biomedical Club. I think they will do it way better than us. Not because of we are not capable...just because of the time, the following scene after we taking over, our spirit are not united...they are not bookworm as us do, this is a good thing for them and for the club too. I shall just wait and see they develop =) at least i've done my best for it, however i do did some mistakes....

So, what will going on tonight? It is a very interesting issue and i hope i can take some pictures for that...good luck for you, my junior - Biomedical Science first year batch 2008!!

FRIM trip

24.8.08

After so long we prepare everything to FRIM (Forest Research Institue Malaysia), finally we are going there with a lot of exciting activites!

Look at those beautiful trees and plants, it is an amazing scene...

One and a half hour of junge trekking with plant info explaination from ranger, we go through about 40 degree up to hill then we reach the canopy walkway, which is our main attraction of the trip,hehehe...=P

2 pictures above are my chinese coursemates^^ because im the (almost) last person in the group due to my duty so ah ken and others are accompany me and shun bian play play, haha! Its ban shui on the canopy bridge...

We take lots of photo but unfortunately, i can upload sooooo many to here...paiseh ah...

here, ah ken and me with the elephant plant - it looks like elephant with the elephant nose and other features....

After we finish the canopy walkway, its the end of our trip....we walk down the hill (but it feel like mountain for me =.=) and reached the water jump.

Ice-cream uncles are there with the tradisional cheap ice-cream, there they are....triple cone ice-cream~

and finally we do get down in the water just for 5 minutes only....cause its raining heavily after that...=.= spoiled my mood........T.T

Its a really fun trip but im not really can enjoy it because of my body condition, sudden stomach pain is making me lost the fun of canopy walkway...thats why you didn't see any photo of my happy face on the bridge...T.T

Since MAHA (Malaysian Agriculture, Horticulture and Agro-tourism...i guess...), i've been talking lots of photo by myself....its fun to record every event happened in your life!

This makes me appreciate my life and appreciate everything happened around me & those ppl i care of~

So...the conclusion is....i will buy a digital camera!! only if after i get my salary...@.@

sequences of pic in my daily life

This pic show my sem break after my 2nd sem of 1st yr in U. In June, gathering with all my friend, working as a part time promoter who has very little salary... T.T, gathering again and again, BBQ~, lateh at everywhere and wash face for the first time in my life!

This month was a joyful month for me, keep mingling around my friends, getting close with friends and my family as well. I learnt to appreaciate everything around me, ex-classmates, family and relatives. By changing my hp to postpaid, i can phone back home with damn cheap price and i can do my secretary job as well =)

WAIT!

before this is Genting trip with my coursemates.
a really good and enjoyful experience.....^^ i think this is the starting point where the person start to take action lo~ LOL~

Starting of my brand new sem is lai yen's birthday! as usual, all of our chinese coursemate come down to basketball court which is in the middle of 4 block in our college and celebrate for her =)

Next, is the Malam Tunas Budaya of UPM, specially for those newbees to participate and represent our college. We didn't manage to defend our champion..but they really did a good job.

Chinese junior orientation is started and this is our pic~

this one is only 2nd yr.....

this one is 1st & 2nd yr...hehehe....

who is the next? ah ken's birthday~ we call all the junior come down to celebrate with him and also let them see the "tradision" of our chinese society ^^ but....we got second round at chop & steak, LOL!

After that is our BIOMED ODYSSEY - biomedic orientation for new student~ fac tour, treasure hunt, biomedic idol and sukaneka were held during the week, hope all of the junior are enjoy~

this pic below is taken at chop & steak after the biomedic idol. Its our lepak time!

After the chinese orientation, and after i bully my buddy enough =P.....i got a buddy! then, take a family portrait lo~!

start from left : tiffany (my senior buddy from muar), me and Ri Wen (my junior buddy from kulai), they are cute!

Its around end of July now and i'm busy with the preparation to FRIM and test 1. Heavy loaded subjects which require us to be very proffesional are making everyone stressed out and numb.... just after the test, its fun time!

FESKO - FESTIVAL KOIR in our U is held on 16th and 17th August, exactly the date where all of us need to atted to our Chinese Annual Dinner a.k.a CAD.

Practises were carry out and we got a very capable conductor - catherine~ my biomedic senior~ Practises also carry out during our exam week (T.T) BUT!!! WE WON!!! WOW!! couldn't believe it! we won! 16 groups which representing each college except for K10 and K11 (they combine). Making a lotzzzzzzzzzzzzzz of friends in choir =) especially some ppl that keep kacau me when we were singing....haha!

17th August :

Morning - Went The Mines with carol, ai chin, pp and alan.

2.30pm - after received kak fiza's call about still got one place empty to Khalil's sister kenduri, rush back to college and reach around 2.30pm. In hurry change into baju kurung then depart!

In that week (15th and 19th of August), i went to MAHA 2008. It just near our fac, held in MARDI. so.....its party time after exam!

Right after anatomy test which contained Dr Kim's killer question, i get to know that hazi they all are going to MAHA, so ing, me and carol went there and have a nice day! We even walk back college because we couldn't get a K17 bus...T.T

ing & me~

at the states pavilion.....

place where they keep the fish...hehe....

OK! back to the senario~

at 6.00pm, i reach college and the CAD bus will arrive at 6.15!!! without thinking, i prepare myself as properly as possible to attend the CAD, held at Palm hotel, IOI resort.

After the eating and fun activities session, 10pm chin theng drive the little kancil fetch me, lai yen, suisien and pak from IOI back to college to take the videocamera (for recording the announcement of choir result) and then fly to panggung percubaan with the lose make up and weird attire (high heels plus baju kolej & slack + make up???) i can't imagine how we look that night......T.T

after we back to college with the trophy, got post mortem for the choir. Until 2am, then i can remove the make up and bath properly and turn to sleep....one day rush to 4 places...crazy......but i'm happy =)

Then, a new challenging week!

Before we go to FRIM on this sunday, we went there to survey the surrounding just to ensure everything is ok....and also concern about our juniors, coursemates and seniors safety~ we going to have jungle tracking, canopy walkway and lastly WATERFALL!!!!

just outside of Visitor Info Center

our exco with serious face listen to person in charge explaining....

This is my week! but it haven't over cause right after the survey to FRIM, me and hui kee went to mid valley to meet ah ken them and have a "Wall-E" movie which reflects the situation btw kee & sss, haha =P Had a dinner at The Garden then went home. Just the time we waiting bus, jo calling for lepak at outside and then bob fetch me straight away at ktm serdang with kak fiza's car. we going to sing k....haha! Another tiring but happy day!

Now is the Lawatan SMK Tanjung Gemuk at our U and fac, its my job to duty~~~~~~~and i can't celebrate my sister's birthday at here....T.T must wait until i go home during merdeka...and i bring 2 ppl home,,,,,hehe......tourists....hehe.....

luckily hemato second assessment is postpone to thursday...otherwise i will need to study at home le....no~~~i dun want~~~~

a.k.a

Previously my coursemate call me "idol" because im the biomedic idol in the competition during my first year orientation - "get-to-know-you" week.
all of us split into 10 groups, we carry out a lot of activities like treasure hunt, sukaneka and other, it was a really memorable time because we all were not really know each other.
my group was the last group.
got rahman as our leader, arif, tsu shan and idah.
rahman is a good leader i suppose.
our slogan became very powerful once it was shouted by him. His voice is damn loud. =.=
in the biomedic idol, each group must send one boy and one girl to join the competition.
arif was the boy and im the girl.
this situation happened because idah was having sore throat that time. and i was the only girl left in the group.

that night, i sing "mimpi" by daniel lee, our 2nd malaysian idol.
this one is a personal choice.
because ah soon like this song very much when we in 6.3A.

then, i won.
with my voice. no music.

the price was ----a bread =.=

i still can remember how the senior tease me about the bread. hehe~

since then, they call me idol.

after i start to write blog, msn, friendster and everything, .
they start to call me shmily

i still remember how ah soon look when i tell him that it is a secret code.
and he almost broke my secret code.
almost.

should i place a bet?

secret code

will never be break

until the end

my father

recently i use up all my meal plan, now left RM12 only.
then i ask mum to banking some money to me,
then mum say ok.
the next day, ah mei sms me say mum banking rm100 to me.
mum give rm50, dad give rm50, the dad's rm 50 suppose to use to go for a blood test...
dad is quite unwell recently,
before i come back from chinese new year, one night he was having some breathing problem and keep sweating cold sweat...look like getting to stroke...
then, ah mei also didn't tell me all the story, just say one night......
then i call mum, ask her what happen and ask her to take back the money and take father to hospital for body check up.
then mum say, he doesn't want to go.
mum ask me to sms father at night, asking him to take care of himself and go for a blood test.

suddenly i feel like want to cry.
i realize i can't afford to lose my father.
how im going to do without my father is around..
he is my mental support, now i realize..
then im study now, can;t go out and work.
if something happened to him, how we going to do?
i think i need to quit my study and work.
quiting it means i quit it all, my future, my dream....but how im going to do?

im worry bout him, im worry bout everything...
i don't want he got anything bad happened to him..
i haven't be nice to him, haven't xiao4 shun4 him...

and now,,,i haven't start study about my biochemistry test..
my pointer is drop, lousy...
even my friend also can't believe i got this kind of point...

what should i do...
im not in the mtm list already.
means im not related to anything bout mtm anymore..
feel quite sad actually, coz this is the one i want, but seems like im not the one they looking for...
quite angry with myself, disappointed...and disappointed again...

where is my place?
where am i?
where should i put myself?
no where i think.

its over, its all over, and i need to think about father, my father, he is my father.
even he is not that good but still he is my father.
my father.

PAP, UPM, 21 - 23/2/08

last saturday was the PAP stage performance, feel like useless because i didn't give much commitment into it and my job is the least one...sneak out from back stage to watch performance..

i saw him.
in front of the stage, with VIP, as a VIP
silently i watch him from the space between the wall and ping4 feng1.
i guess no one would know what im doing there..
just want to watch him silently..silently..
he is a star. stay on sky where i will never reach.
then, i saw another two star.

a thought come across my mind : why the person i like must has link to mtm? why...
because i like capable guy or just because they are the one i frequently see?
since im not in the list of kem jejak pemimpin kedua, i think it is over already...
quite disappointed firstly, then i realize that i really need to boost my result =.=

then, when back i got a date with my friend on that sunday.
also want to cut my hair, otherwise i'll be botak later lo.
then meet ah keong at bus station, know his latest thing.
never thought that he would ever buy roses for a girl, really shock.
we all are changed....
miss my simple life, really miss it...

then, lost my drive.
to do anything.
whether like a guy or study for my test.

all of them are too high for me to reach, too high, too far and im too small, way too small.

beautiful,
stars are beautiful but unreachable.
back in the day, the simple day,
enjoy the ride, enjoy everything,
can i knocked again and have the feeling or the drive again?

meow....

too greedy

i notice that i like a lot of guys recently.
around 5 person i think. four same course, another is my friend.
however, it is impossible. because the first one is another race, second one is got someone he fancy of, third one is too childish and not serious, the forth one is in a different world and he wouldn't notice & look at me,,,then the last one - my friend, also got someone in his mind.
before these few days, i already give up one. the initial one, right after i confirm it.
among them all, i think i like the first and the forth most. the first one give me a doubt when i already decide to give up. the forth one is i think he got gf already but underground de..
am i too greedy?
i think im too greedy...
way too greedy already...
shame of myself...
cut my hair. quite ok but i think it will be better if i cut at my hometown =.=
been thinking how he will feel when see me in a new hair style?
then....i noticed i like him the most. the most.
damn..why he do like that to me? we are impossible...impossible...
kacau bob while doing HE. keep kacau him.
tell the truth then say im lying. then say the truth again. keep confusing him and them...let no one will ever know which one is the real. bad right? because i knew im going to see them off with the appropriate one someday. someday.
he also flared up but i use "belanja" to put down the fire.
sorry bob.....keep kacau you only....me n jo keep kacau you but you never lament..sorry.....
what i should do?
wait? wait until i make the decision? that i really like him?
sleepy....go out to mines from 10 to 4...then back start my work...then ban ban birthday...then here...
im not going to sleep until i finish all my work!!!!!
but going to take a nap now, hehe~ wish me good luck ok?
Zzz....

the week & me

This is a week after i back college 17 from chinese new year break.

I, currently called as shmily or leng, this is my current profile :

1. 21 years old
2. grown up at tawau, lahad datu (both at sabah - 15 years), then batu pahat, johor and now...college 17, UPM, Serdang, Selangor, Malaysia.
3. sagittarius + fire rabbit
4. UPM, degree of Biomedical Science, first year, second semester
5. currently secretary of Biomedical Science club
6. is a b-rat
7. like to do "work", organize activity, play, join any competition or anything which promise that i'll have fun.
8. like to sleep at ysim's arm
9. now need to lose 5 kg according to TANITA (body composition analyzer)

Last sunday, take the same bus as my friends. Happy ^^ i like them, cause they treat me eat new year biscuit and nuts~!

I've realised that i treat here as my home already...at the moment i saw our house empty because of everyone went home and left me here with bob going to the KPO. Feel like can't separate apart from everything here already.. the fact made me feel sad..cause we are going to back home no matter what we are going to go through for the next 3 years... since when i'm so fond of here until i rather stay here with you all around and not going home...

Kind of sceptical...don't want to do anything, just want to stay beside you all and listen to all our conversation, teasing each other, make some cold jokes and more.. and i'm lefting my rats behind with their own...

zen's word make me can't resist to change myself. trying to make me feel peace and calm. not to be very noisy to other. kind of hurt actually when he say it with the serious face but later i have to admit that what he say it is right. bingo!

what happened to me?

i feel empty.... empty...

the crush with him made me mad with myself, why i can make this kind of mistake...how can i think it is possible where he is a another world...why i do this to me...i'm torturing myself....

this week is a total sien week for me. Not feel to do work, not feel to do activity, not feel like want to do anything, i can't even sleep well (for last night cause i'm the ajk for senamrobik in carnival ideal 17, need to be there at 8am and i don't want to left a bad impression to them).

i need to lose 5 kg. i knew it! 40.7 kg of freee fat body mass! 16 over kilo of fat! 440 of impendence! BMI almost reach obese gred 1, but normal waist-hip ratio...weird..?

i think i lost my confidence after i get my first test results. All are suck. the lowest among chinese. and i had the stupid fever on the exam week, cause me study right before test with headache and the feeling of uncomfortable.

feel tired acutally...

i really tired....

mentally tired...

want to break....

want to throw away everything...

want to sleep, want to rest....

waiting for you, shimily.